Simo

Well, howdy there! Lemme tell ya, someone done cooked me a real nice dinner the other day, and my mama always told me, “Ya gotta say thank you when someone does somethin’ nice for ya.” So, here I am, tryin’ to write this here… uh… thank you letter, like them fancy folks do. Don’t know much about writin’ fancy, but I know how to be grateful, that’s for sure. So, first off, I gotta say a big ol’ thank you. Yeah, THANK YOU real big! That food was somethin’ else….

Alright, let’s talk about this cold press juice thing. My neighbor, bless her heart, she’s always on about these fancy health trends. Now, I ain’t no spring chicken, and I’ve seen my share of fads come and go. But this juice thing, it got me curious. So, I fiddled around, and let me tell you, it ain’t rocket science. You just need some fruits and veggies, and a juicer – the kind that squeezes stuff real slow, not those noisy blenders that chop everything up. First off, the green juice….

Alright, let’s talk about this “can’t drink from straw” thing. You know, some folks just can’t suck stuff up through a straw like the rest of us. It ain’t always just being picky, ya hear? Sometimes, there’s somethin’ wrong inside. What’s the big deal, you ask? Well, it’s called, uh, something fancy, “dis…dis…phay…gee-ah” or somethin’ like that. Sounds like a disease from the city, don’t it? Anyway, it just means you got trouble swallowin’. Yeah, swallowin’! Food, water, anything. And if you can’t swallow right, then usin’ a straw? Forget…

Alright, let’s talk about them Smart Ones desserts, you know, the kind they sell in them stores. I ain’t no fancy cook, mind you. I just like stuff that tastes good and don’t make my pants too tight, ya feel me? First off, I heard about some coconut thingy-ma-jigs. Coconut Macaroons, they call ‘em. Says you only need four things to make ‘em. Four! That’s less fingers than I got on one hand, almost. And they put chocolate in ‘em? Lord have mercy, that sounds right tasty. I ain’t made…

Alright, let’s talk about this “rehearsal dinner” thing. Folks call it a practice supper before the big wedding shindig, you know? Like a warm-up for the main event. What’s this rehearsal dinner all about, anyway? Well, it’s like this. You got your young’uns gettin’ hitched, right? And they got their friends and family all gathered ’round. This dinner, it’s a chance to say “thank you” to all them folks who helped out with the wedding plans. The bridesmaids, the groomsmen, the mama who baked the cake… you get the picture….

Alright, let me tell you about this thing, this… murderous Lewellyn’s candlelit dinner, yeah, that’s what they called it. I heard about this fella, Lewellyn. Young and handsome, they say. But lemme tell ya, handsome ain’t everything. This boy, he was strange. Real strange. Folks in the building, they’d see him doin’ all sorts of weird stuff. Like, why does he spend all day peeling onions on the apartment stairs until his eyes are red-raw? And get this, what’s with those filthy black fingernails? Makes ya wonder, don’t it? I…

Alright, let’s talk about this Shark Bite Drink thing, ya hear? I ain’t never seen no real shark bite nothin’ but fish, but folks these days, they come up with all sorts of names. Anyways, this drink, it’s supposed to be somethin’ fancy for the summer, when it gets hot as blazes. Kids love it, I reckon, ‘cause it’s got them gummy sharks floatin’ around. Makes it look fun, I guess. Now, from what I gather, you don’t need a whole lot of stuff to make it. Just a few…

Alright, let’s gab about gettin’ all dolled up for that rehearsal dinner, you know, the one before the big shindig. It ain’t the weddin’ itself, but ya still wanna look presentable, like you didn’t just crawl outta the hen house. Now, I ain’t no fancy pants fashionista, but I know a thing or two about lookin’ decent. First off, ya gotta think about the dress code. Is it fancy-schmancy, or more laid-back? If they’re havin’ it at some hoity-toity country club, you best believe you gotta step it up a…

Alright, let’s talk about this here “shark bite drink,” or whatever they call it. Sounds fancy, but I reckon it ain’t nothin’ too complicated. I seen them city folks drinkin’ all sorts of colorful stuff, so this here shark bite thing probably just another one of them trendy drinks. Now, from what I gather, this drink ain’t got nothin’ to do with real sharks bitin’ ya, thank the Lord. It’s just a name, like callin’ a dog “Spot” even if he ain’t got no spots. This here drink, they say…

Alright, let’s talk about this Red Lobster drink menu. You know, that place with all the shrimps and lobsters? Yeah, that one. They got a whole mess of drinks, too. I ain’t no fancy drink expert or nothin’, but I know what I like, and I can tell ya what they got. First off, they got them margaritas. You know, the tequila drinks? They got all sorts of flavors, they say. Fruity ones, I guess. I ain’t tried ’em all, mind you. Too many for this old gal. But if…